Feeling At Home

January 19

Falling snow, in the right circumstances (I am thinking with coffee of course) has a gentle peace about it that gives your mind and spirit rest.

February 1

The above sentence sat on the page for two weeks all by itself. I had no where to go with it; nothing to add. Truth is, I was in the moment when I wrote it  -  Looking out my office window, coffee warming my hands, watching the snow settle on the branches of the barren maple & majestic pine trees across my yard. And then the moment was over and I was lonely again.

I have stared at that sentence every day since and tried to figure out what happened. Why don’t I have anything else to say?

This morning in the shower (where else would I get a revelation) it all fell into place. I didn’t have anything else to say because I was afraid to admit how I was feeling. You read it two paragraphs back, yea, I’m lonely. There I said it. No, I don’t feel any better. Admitting it doesn’t change it.

I miss my friends and the life I lived among them. I have to admit to pangs of jealousy as I read about events going on among them that I am not there to share. The awesome changes going on in the community I loved that I am missing out on.

This loneliness not only makes me miss my previous life, it also makes me miss certain people. I miss my kids; they all seem so much further away now. I have a grandchild I've never met and sometimes I wonder if I ever will. I miss my best friend/sister and our coffee dates, shopping dates and weekend getaways…I miss our connection. It’s still there but so much harder to feel with 900 miles between us. I miss the friends who would allow me to just plunk down in their lives and chat any time the mood struck me.

I miss my mom and our weekly dinner and a show dates. Wow, I didn't realize how much I missed her until I wrote it down. It was our special time together. We’d have pizza or make something simple for dinner, and watch either 'Extreme Makeover Home Edition' or 'So You Think You Can Dance'; whichever season it was. We’d cry and Ooo and Aww over Home Makeover and vote for every contestant on Dance; we wanted them all to win. I really miss my mom.

I miss my past because I haven’t been able to find my path in the present and I cannot see my future. It’s not that I am not enjoying the winter and the snow in my new home; it’s that I don’t feel at home yet. I guess it will take a little more time to get there. After all, it has only been 7 months.